Tag: relationship

#MustKnow, About, Careers, Faith, Health, Lifestyle, Love, Motivation, Opinions, Relationships, TheMBG, Thoughts of a Black Girl, Uncategorized, Urban Issues

Sacrificing Your Friends For Your Future

shaniselene

It’s important to monitor your inner circle when it comes to pursuing your goals in life. One of the hardest realities I’ve faced has been learning to let go of individuals that have exceeded their expiration date. I used to be one of those people who held onto relationships (both platonic and romantic) based on the amount of time the person has been in my life.

After various events that took place within a friendship of mine, I realized that outgrowing people is a part of life and accepted the fact that everyone isn’t meant to come along during certain parts of my journey. If you care for your loved ones as much as I do, then you’ll understand why this decision wasn’t an easy one. There will be some people that take offense to your choice because they either don’t understand or don’t want to put in the effort to understand that you all may be growing apart and going separate paths.

One of my biggest mistakes were allowing some of those people to make me feel guilty for growing, for becoming the woman I am and wanting more for myself. Rather than encouraging me, I was ignored, called conceited and selfish. They were wrong about every description except classifying me as, “selfish”.  Even though I’m not a self absorbed person, for the past (6) months I’ve been extremely selfish with my funds, time and things I put my energy into. They say that your 20’s are the perfect time to think about yourself.  This is the time to make decisions for yourself and highly consider what’s best for you; it isn’t the time to settle. 

After having an epiphany and grasping what that concept really meant, I no longer felt the need to apologize for the decisions I’ve been making. I quickly learned that my true friends who genuinely supported me resided in different parts of the world. Sometimes we get so caught up on accessibility and fail to realize that just because something is available and tangible doesn’t always mean it’s in our best interest.

You want to ensure that those around you call you to the carpet when you’re slacking. Your friends must be able to hold you accountable for your actions even when they aren’t the best. They need to have the ability to feed your spirit and pour into you when you don’t have the energy to do it for yourself. 

In no way, shape or form am I telling you to drop your, “day 1’s”. However, I do encourage you to decipher who your are keeping in your life, why you are keeping them in your life and if they deserve to stay.

Dating, Lifestyle, Love, Opinions, Relationships, Sex, Thoughts of a Black Girl, Urban Issues

Distance or No Distance?

shaniselene

Long distance relationships are extremely common in 2018 and only continue to grow as the state of social media improves. My experiences regarding distant relationships were actually pleasant. Our geographical location in which we each were was the only con; initially. At that current point in time, I was a junior in college, looking forward to graduation and my post graduate endeavors. I took pride in going to see my boyfriend at the time because it meant traveling, free food, being spoiled with additional attention and most importantly, quality time.

While I’d love to blame the distance between us for our breakup, it shared no responsibility. It was one of those things where two people who were madly in love needed time to grow and come into their own. As heartbreaking as the decision would be  for most, it was one of those things that you necessarily did not want to do, but had to.  Fortunately, it worked out for the best. We are still friends, support one another and the best part is, genuine love is still there. Although I’m unsure of what the future may hold, I’m happy with the current state of my life and can’t wait to see what God has in store for me.

Now that I’m 24 years of age, I view relationships on an entire new level. I wholeheartedly believe that long distant relationships are doable, however, both parties must put in the effort. This includes having the understanding that finances must be taken into consideration for travel and the frequency in which you all are visiting one another. In situations such as this, communication is key due to the fact that you aren’t able to physically see one another. That being said, take advantage of video chat options like FaceTime or Skype.

I aspire to be a wife and I’m currently praying for constant preparation, which is why I’ve come to the realization that whether my next relationship is distant or takes place in the same vicinity, it all boils down to my significant other and I being on one accord. Is marriage the goal, are they family oriented, can they pray for me and pray to God to seek guidance in a time of uncertainty? I sometimes feel as if women have the tendency to get caught up on a checklist of what they expect relationships to be and tend to complicate things when they can be so simple. Men aren’t as difficult as we make them seem and typically know if you’re the one or someone they can see themselves with within 6 months.

If you’ve met someone in which you share an instant connection, have undeniable chemistry with, whose morals align with yours, can have fun with and enjoy each other’s company while doing absolutely nothing, but your relationship may have to start off distant initially, give it a try. If you all are serious about one another, you will make it a point to relocate to an area that fits the both of your needs. Where there’s a will, there’s a way and if he truly wants it, he’ll go after it (you).

Dating, Love, Relationships

Couple Pep Talks-Are they necessary?

Ke'Anna B

I’ve been going through some relationship issues that I am unsure I can fix. Lately, the arguments are repetitive. I continue to have to remind him to say I love you before leaving. Or to say good morning and good night when we wake up and before we go to sleep. Those conversations aren’t what seems to be bothering me though. What I can’t understand is why I have to repeat myself when it comes to means of cheating and disrespect. Talking to your ex? No go. Discussions with that woman that we all know can’t wait until I slip so she can slide, no go. Flirting with a female that follows me and likes our pictures. (in my Cardi B voice lol) Why? If the tables were turned, would you men be able to stand your woman making moves like you have in those scenarios? I doubt it. So let’s be real, why are you doing it? Okayyyy let me backup because I am going pretty hard. A girl can vent can’t she? That’s what I have you all for right? The feeling is mutual. In the meantime, here’s a question to ponder on while I talk my trash, should you have to have a conversation with your significant other on what is considered cheating? Don’t try to get shy now. Come back to this screen NOW!

 

Keywords: “Have” and “To”

 

Now I will contradict myself in a minute for a good cause so here it goes. For those of you that say you don’t feel you have to:

 

How in the hell is he/she supposed to know what “YOU” deem cheating or even inappropriate if you all never shared that with one another? How in the hell will he/she know not to speak to their ex they’ve been friends with for years, with you knowing, if you do not say “Hey Jack, Jill needs to slide. I don’t feel comfortable with my man/woman communicate with their ex when we are building our own empire at the time.” Simple. Now I never said his/her response back would be simple but the amount of time it took you to say that is the amount of time it will take for you to karate chop them in the throat when they proceed to try that sh*t again. Wtbs, tell they ass, tell they ass. So when you are mad you actually have a reason to be.

For those of you that say you do feel like the conversation should be had:

Why? Girl for what? That is a grown ass man/woman. Did they drop the manual in your mailbox and hire you to administer the cheating course? I think not. We have to tighten up. Repeating ourselves 1 time is cool but 2 or 3 times we are finding ourselves sounding like pure robots. Aren’t you tired? I remember really sitting around thinking of ways to repeat what I said in this disagreement last week. Ugh. That shit does get tiring, sometimes necessary. But for the most part it’s a waste of time. They should know basic home training, welp apply that to your daily life and with this cheating topic. Girlfriend. Not a mother. Nurturing tendencies but not a MOTHER. Not a home girl/home boy. Not a big cousin. A girlfriend/wife that is learning and figuring things out too. So I do double the work because you can’t get right Mr. Get Right? Lol Okay okay I’ll stop picking on you all. Seriously though, it’s not an OBLIGATION NOR A TASK so wtbs, chill out he should know what it is from jump. Period!

 

Now let’s keep it 100, what would you say?

Careers, Community, Faith, Lifestyle, Opinions, Relationships, TheMBG, Thoughts of a Black Girl, Uncategorized

“Growing Pains”

shaniselene

“Chapter 24” has served as an eye opening benchmark thus far. When your parents advise you to prepare yourself for a loss of certain friendships as you begin to mature, please believe them. I find myself more and more isolated as each birthday arrives and each goal is accomplished. Initially, I held the perspective that the older and more successful I became, the larger my, “circle of friends” would grow; I was sadly mistaken (lol). Although I’m a social butterfly, I do enjoy my alone time when necessary, but I find myself indulging in, “me time” more often. One of my staple prayers has always been to remove anyone that has either reached their expiration date or no longer serves purpose in my life; this includes friends, family, peers and old flames. 

Oprah said a statement so profound that has resonated with me ever since; “You are not only responsible for the energy you give off, but you are also responsible for the energy you allow around you”. It’s vital to mind who you allow in your space; everyone’s intentions may not be as pure as your own. As frank as it may sound, this includes the individuals you label as, “friends”. After listening to Oprah’s words of wisdom, I began to analyze my current relationships and came to the realization that I often put in more effort than what was reciprocated. In no way am I saying to operate in a, “Tit for Tat” manner, but regardless if the relationships are platonic or romantic, both parties should benefit in some form or fashion. I was giving and stressing so much to the point where my immune system was compromised and I got sick. 

One of the hardest realities to accept was when you have a calling on your life; you can not and will not be for everyone. As you mature, you will outgrow certain people and things, but that’s the beauty about life. Your desires and needs change; what was once a priority is no longer of importance. When it comes to making sacrifices, this may mean ending ties with some people. During this purging phase I’m enduring, I’m learning the best way to handle situations such as these is to love people from afar. Envy, greed and insecurity serve as major threats to relationships, but they do exist. As difficult as it may be to fathom, there may be some people who posses those same traits in reference to you. They may not admit it, but it will revel itself within their actions. Once you witness the first sign reflecting those characteristics, you’ll know what you have to do. I’m a firm believer in allowing people to be who they are and respecting the manner in which they choose to live their life, even if I may disagree, but I also believe in doing what’s best for you. Tend to your crop and water your garden in order for you to bless others, but upon the first sight of Growing Painsweeds, remove them to prevent any hindrance of growth. Pour into the people and things that pour into you; nourish the areas that encourage you to thrive because you know what they say, “If you want to see who your real friends are, start a business”.

Education, Thoughts of a Black Girl, Uncategorized

A Letter To Freshman Me

Auriel S

Dear Youngin’,

Wow! Who would’ve thought you’d be here today. Who would of thought you’d learn so much in the span of two and a half years. It’s crazy where life takes you and sometimes it’s difficult to understand the journey but don’t ever question it.

Looking back there’s so many things I wish I could tell you but the truth be told, I wouldn’t be able to sit here and have this wisdom if you didn’t go through the situations that not only bent you a little or a lot but molded you into a fearless young beast.

So here’s some things you should know.

You Are Powerful

Don’t ever question what you’re capable of. As cliche as it sounds you have the ability to make a difference and you know exactly what you want to accomplish. Do not let the world and those around you sway you away from your destiny and truth. You can honestly do anything you put your mind to and the only thing standing in your way is YOU. Go for it!

You Are Worth It

You are worth waiting for. You are worth someone who will really be a someone who will uplift you and not tear you down. You are worthy of  trust-filled friendships. You are worthy. Do not give into others demands because you feel as if you’re not worth this or that. Believe in your worth and know it without a doubt.

Stop Trying To Please Everyone

Look I get it. You’re new to this. You’ve never been on your own and had to deal with 4 roommates who are all completely different. You’ve never been separated from your friends of 10 years and had to make new ones but don’t feel like you have to make everyone happy. Not being rude but you physically cannot satisfy each and every person in your life. You just can’t and you know what? That’s Okay!

You Have Time

You are 18 years old. Don’t rush the process. You have plenty of time to be an adult. You have time to find a relationship. You have time to find a job and be free from your parents supporting you. Now at 21 I can say you’ll still struggle with this, it doesn’t just go away but really live in the moment. You’ll never be as young and free as you are today and take advantage of that. Live each day like it’s your last and enjoy it. Go to that party. Go to the dining hall with everyone even though you only have $15. Make the memories now because when your time does come and adulthood is really bestowed upon you. It’s these memories that will forever make you smile.

Call Home More

Check-in more than once a week. I know you’re busy and calling mom and dad just because seems pointless. I know mama calls at the absolute worst times and dad always calls at 8:30 on Saturday like you’re not still passed out from the night before but it’s just them missing you. Yes, you’re on your own now and an adult “technically” but you’ll always be their baby girl. They’re not being annoying, they’re just missing you.

Love,

Auri

What would you tell your freshman self?

Love, Sex, Uncategorized

Sex Drive

Ke'Anna B

“Get it girl. Get it girl.” My favorite thing to say while I get into bed with my silk “do me baby” lingerie set. It’s been a while and I might seem a little nervous but I’m not. We all need a little pressure in our chest, you know what I mean right? I was having a conversation with my brother yesterday and he had the audacity to say “women don’t NEED sex.” No, playa playa a** dudes are the ones that need to lay off the goodies a bit. I’m getting mine, I don’t know about you.

It’s been 3 long days since Ashton and I got freaky. The longest days of my life to be completely honest. Nobody should ever have to suffer the way that I have. Head hurts, edges are thinning out and my big booty jeans not fitting. I’m sick! HELP! As a woman, there are specific WANTS that I have. You think Ashton is the only one using those whips and chains. Look at my face right now…

*waits for you all to look at me*

tumblr_msrnsjcIjN1sfirr4o1_250.gif

Is it a crime to be a woman that enjoys sex just as much as her man does? Or gets that tingle in between her thighs when her man does something simple like licks his lips? I mean that’s the same as me bending over in my shorts on and you “ouuuu” and “aww” at the site of it. The same morning sex meme’s and gif’s of a girl clapping those cheeks together are the same kinds of meme’s I’m retweeting at 3am. I want to be the girl clapping her cheeks for Zaddy. I mean, why not?

I hear people screaming all of the time “A lady in the streets but a freak in the sheets.” But as soon as I tell you my biggest fantasy or what scene I want us to role-play, I’m not being ladylike. Yeah, just as I thought. I only partake in ladylike activities between 8am-6pm. Just kidding, just kidding but kind of serious. Lol. Face it guys, women are just as horny as you men maybe even MORE. Let’s argue a bit? Do you really think men are the ONLY people that can have a high sex drive and want to hump like a rabbit? I think absolutely not.

The amount of time and effort that we spend on Fashion Nova buying their bad and boujie lingerie and trying to find my size on Vicki Secret, I deserve to bless you with all of this chocolate. Seriously though I need you all to understand that you are not the rulers of sex. It’s enough tricks, flips and handstands to go around. We are not taking away from your sex life just simply making it more interesting. So get your panties out of a bunch and face the facts. Women are about to take over the sex game. Women may not NEED sex but we want, crave and dream about sex just as you all do. 

-xoxo

 

Dating, Love, Relationships, Sex

Standard Sustainability

shaniselene

In a world of life-sized Genetically Modified Objects and socially inept individuals who lack the ability to verbally communicate, make eye contact during a discussion or refrain from expressing their emotional state on social media, it can be quite challenging to possess and abide by standards that seem so far-fetched in today’s society. I’ve always had high standards for as long as I can recall, however, I never perceived that to be a negative thing up until my peers constantly stated, “Shani, your standards are too high”. At one point in time, I started to believe what they were saying, but then I caught myself; my standards are set at the level in which they are based on me; what I have to offer and what I bring to the table. When you’re in search of companionship, lowering your standards will only attract, “help-mates”; individuals who need assistance, who may constantly look for you to fill a void where they lack and who may eventually become dependent. Keeping your standards at their current position will attract, “help-meets”; individuals that will assist you, pour into you, motivate you to do better in the areas in which you struggle.

On the contrary, as I’ve matured, I’ve learned the ability to decipher what areas are compromisable and what my deal breakers are. Engaging with someone who shares your core values is a must. Ever pondered on the thought as to why birds don’t date fish? Where will they live? Their needs and purposes are at two completely different ends of the spectrum. This newfound relationship may be exciting because it’s, “different”, but eventually the flame will burn out and they both will suffer tremendously.

In hindsight, people try to pursue what society classifies as the, “ideal mate”. Date what attracts you; if you adore intellectual conversations, be with someone who can provide that to you; if you like athletes, take one seriously who is reciprocating the same interest; if exotic dancers spark your interest, be with one, but understand the consequences that come along with dating your type. People have the tendency to go after what they believe they are supposed to and not what they actually desire. Typically, the root of their relationship problems isn’t their mate, but the fact that the person failed to be honest with themselves from the beginning. Do yourselves a favor by sticking to your guns, acknowledging when you’re being unrealistic and entertain what naturally attracts you.

Dating, Love, Relationships, TheMBG, Uncategorized

#Relationship Goals

Ke'Anna B

We have taken the expression #relationshipgoals a tad bit too far, don’t you think? What happened to long walks on the beach, a romantic dinner, opening a car door or even sending roses? Does that still account for anything? Isn’t this closer to a relationship goal than a guy posting pictures with money stuck to his ear? Oh you’re “talking to the money” right? Well, well, well… Society has definitely played a major role in the way many of us view past twitter trending topic #relationshipgoals.

Again, I’m not saying women don’t have “real” relationship goals either but some of these things are questionable. Society makes us believe that you have to be decked out in diamonds and pearls. Smh. Lucci, Lucci, Lucci. Or the hype of going on trips to countries you cannot pronounce, to impress others. You know the saying “if you can’t spell it, you shouldn’t eat it”. Exactly. This definitely applies.

Don’t get me wrong if you have it, flaunt it. If you worked hard for it, you deserve it. The idea that money and materialistic things make up the true definition of relationship goals, is up for a debate! If that is your take on a relationship goal then more power to you but there are still some simple things in life that seem more suit. Have you ever been attracted to someone that just graduated? Not because they look good in their $300 graduation outfit but because they have a 4.0 GPA and you have the sexiest intellectual conversations with them?

What about that guy that everybody talks about at the job because his car is steady overheating? Did you know he has been in a relationship for 6 years? Did you know he kept his overheating car because he wanted to buy his “fiancee” an engagement ring? Did you know the guy who had the stack of money on Snapchat last week still lives with his mom? She doesn’t live in the best neighborhood either. Yet, he still manages to wear red bottoms and get new rental cars each week.

Honestly, these are the type of things that should play a major part in #relationshipgoals. Especially the type of person you would like to have #reltionshipgoals with. What are you all bringing or have already brought to the table that doesn’t involve money or anything materialistic?

Food for thought…..

 

Education, Love, Thoughts of a Black Girl, Uncategorized

Is College For Relationships?

Auriel S

How many of us came to college with a special someone from back home?

How many of us are still with that person?

Through my 3 years at college there’s one thing that I’ve realized when it comes to relationships. You don’t really see a lot of them. People will date for a few months but long term relationships are practically nonexistent.
Why do you think this is?

Well personally I always have believed that college is the time where many people go to find themselves. It’s where you’re free from your parents rules and regulations and can finally figure out what you want out of life. It’s a place where you’re continuously changing and growing and it is difficult to do that when you’re attached to someone else.

I look back on the freshman I was in 2015 and don’t recognize her sometimes. I have grown immensely. I’ve went through relationships and have grown out of them because I realized I wanted more or the qualities I thought I wanted in someone changed. I look for different things in partners now than I did two years ago and I can honestly say that I’m positive that will continue to change over the next few years.

My mom used to always tell me “You have your whole life to be tied down, enjoy your freedom while you can.” I don’t know if this just stuck with me or did I just grow to realize that being tied down is not what I want for myself in college.

Now this is not to dismiss those of you who are in amazing relationships and can grow together. I’m always amazed at couples who have made it through the test of time in college and look forward to their future together. A common theme they always reiterated is that communication and understanding is what got them through.


Could this the problem with dating in college? Do we as young adults lack communication and understanding? I know I’m not perfect and I have so much growing to do but I don’t believe I’m a bad communicator at all and I’m one of the most understanding people out there. So is it by choice that many of us in college remain single or is by force to teach us how to communicate with our partners trial by trial until we get it right? With every new relationship do we learn to understand a little more?

Ultimately, is college for relationships or is it a trial of what an adult relationship will consist of so that when you meet that person, your person, you’ve grown and have developed into the adult who you need to be for that relationship to work?

You tell me!

Dating, Love, Relationships, Uncategorized

Are You Foolish For Staying?

Ke'Anna B

Does staying in a relationship after being cheated on make you dumb?

Today was just one of those days. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. See last night we got into the worst disagreement. It wasn’t just our typical “you’re so inconsiderate of my feelings” argument this time. We were on the verge of a break-up. Was I not doing enough? Is working a 9 to 5 with overtime not sexy? A strong black woman taking on responsibility was supposed to make me a winner. But at this very moment I did not feel that way. So I went through his phone about 5 pm yesterday. Only to find that he wasn’t at that so called “study session”. He was with Tommy. Tommy is on my “eh, haven’t figured you out yet” list. He’s far from a prince charming. I just knew he would let Tommy be the one to get him caught up. Anyway, I start going through the thread. We have screenshots of Tommy and his little sexting chronicles, pictures of dumb guy stuff and…. snap-chat screenshots.

This is when I started getting pissed off. Please tell me I’m not about to find him cheating. After scroll…and scrolling…and scrolling… I see that the conversation has been going on for some time now. At this point it is 6:15 pm. You’re wondering how I managed to find this huh? It wasn’t hard. Trust. Or at least when you pretend to trust one another. He has nothing to hide so he says. So every so often he allows me to take a peak. This time he didn’t have time to delete his messages. Yay me! I know it’s a lot but just bare with me. So I see some girl he claims is his “sister”. Eh I’m not buying it. How could I, when all I saw was explicit videos and pictures? The best part about my little investigation was her saving their messages from her end. Of course snapchat would allow you to save messages even if the other person does not care to. Smh. Snapchat has become the official dead zone. It is a trap, though I am grateful for it in this case.

So after I see the pictures I send him this extremely long message. His read receipts are on so I know he got my message. He read it at 7’oclock. At this point, I’m not feeling this late texting back. The way I feel it’s about to go down, right here, right now. I ask straight up, “what is going on?” He responds “Look…” “Nope, stop it right there.” I say. I begin to read him from A to Z. No shortcuts or holding back. I’m going full throttle on my Kill Bill vibe. Im beyond upset. All he says is “I’m sorry.” I’m sorry? Really? Do you know he had the audacity to say to me that he feels unloved. Unloved? *pause*

Okay so where were we? Right, this foolery. Am I getting left for another woman? So I start asking questions, as we do when we are upset and do not like the answer we were given. Yeah, like that. He says he doesn’t know if he wants to change his mind. Okay so I decided to leave the details on how I begged him not to leave me. Kill me with the know your worth crap because in this very instant I’m hurt. I want my man to stay. Maybe I can hear him out and figure how to fix things. Was it even fixable? So after a 4 hour conversation he decided he needed a break. Probably needed to go fill Tommy’s no good behind in. It’s not like he’s going to say anything. He likes to stay out of it when it gets too heated. Even when it is his fault, in a way.  

He texts me back insisting we should talk. So I immediately Facetimed him. I need to see facial expressions. I need to feel what direction the conversation is going in. We started with the usual small talk, discuss how bad things got and he said if I could change then we could be together. He’d let her go for me. So I said “I’ll change.” He did not hesitate to say “Good, I didn’t want to lose you anyway.” On the plus side, we have been together for 9 months since that incident. No signs of cheating. No funny business after she cut chick off. We are doing great! I’m glad I stayed, unfortunately, my friends keep saying I’m dumb for staying. There was something in me that wouldn’t allow me to leave him.. I love that man.

So the question is:

Does staying in a relationship after being cheated on make you dumb?