Tag: love

About, Dating, Love, Opinions, Relationships, Sex, TheMBG, Thoughts of a Black Girl, Uncategorized, Urban Issues

Knowing When It’s Time To Let Go

shaniselene

December will make (3) years since I’ve been in a committed relationship and as much as     I’d like to say that it was a challenge to overcome, that’s not necessarily the case. Like most people, the desire to rekindle an old flame sat at the back of my mind for quite some time, but after revisiting the events that took place I realized the breakup was for the best.

Being in love comes with a sense of euphoria as well as a great deal of pain because once you all hit your first bump in the road, it feels as if your world is ending. After the dust settles and you all make up, everything goes back to normal. The thing about love that most leave out is outgrowing the person. They could be the most attractive, sweetest and intelligent partner, but the goals you have for yourself and their ambition may not align. People don’t always part ways due to infidelity; sometimes they just grow apart. If you’re self aware, you typically sense when it’s time to move on, but we all know it’s not that easy to let go.

When I was in a relationship, although I was happy, I placed a lot of weight on the future. Yes, planning ahead is important; picturing yourself with the other person for, “forever” is what I’ve learned to consider when dating, but I’ve also realized that accepting the person at face value is just as important. It’s a great concept to have when it comes to seeing the potential in your partner, but what most fail to realize is that it isn’t guaranteed. After having an epiphany, I made the conscious decision to move forward and not to turn back. Even though he was my best friend, my confidant and lover, I had to stomach the fact that we were on two completely different paths. One of the hardest things about love is accepting the fact that just because you love someone, that does not signify that you all must be together.

If I told you there wasn’t a sense of guilt that followed this frame of mind, I’d be lying. It’s tough making decisions that you don’t want to and it’s even tougher regarding the means you go about doing so. In no way, shape or form am I perfect; I’m human. As a human being, learning to make and live with the decisions you make are not only a part of life, but a part of love. Knowing what I know now, had I prolonged what had plateaued so long ago, resentment had the possibility of developing. Rather than ending up tolerating one another, letting go was best because it saved whatever form of friendship we could have.

I can’t see what 2020 will hold, I don’t know what’s to come in the future and I’m not putting a time limit on anything, but what I can do is prepare. I can use the lessons learned in my past to advance my relationship to come. I can be vocal when I feel as if our situation seems as if it is becoming complacent and stagnant and know that my partner will reciprocate what needs to be done to avoid this from consuming our relationship based on the foundation we’ve built. I encourage everyone to listen to their gut; listen to your spirit because it won’t steer you wrong. Never stay out of guilt, but stay purely out of desire.

Dating, Faith, Featured, Lifestyle, Love, Opinions, Relationships, Sex, Thoughts of a Black Girl, Urban Issues

Relationships Don’t Solve Your Problems, They Magnify Who You Really Are

shaniselene

As the year progresses, “Relationships” seem to become the topic of everyone’s conversation. There’s not a day that goes by where I scroll through my feed or timeline on my social media handles and someone is either begging, complaining or yearning for a relationship. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a significant other, but there are a variety of factors that most forget to consider.

Having a partner extends beyond cute Instagram pictures, videos and wearing matching outfits. If the goal is marriage, this person needs to be able to befriend you, confide in you, pray for you (depending on your beliefs) and help you grow into a better person while you reciprocate those same abilities. When negative factors are presented, you all need to take the time out to make an effort to fix the issue. While infidelity is a deal breaker for myself, I always encourage those who’ve endured this form of trauma to see if this is an area they can work through; if it’s fixable or worth it? Based on experience, most people assume that marriage is the answer to all solutions, when in fact that it is the total opposite. It simply uncovers who you both are as individuals , so if underlying issues persist either between the two of you or within yourselves, the marriage is likely to suffer.

In regards to underlying issues, insecurities are common factors. Many people don’t realize how their self esteem and confidence levels will impact their partner and dynamic of the relationship. We all suffer from things that we’d either like to change or aren’t content about, but what we must understand is until we love ourselves wholeheartedly, we will look for that same love within our partner. They will never be able to grant you that type of satisfaction because you all need to come together as (2) whole people; think of your partner as an asset rather than a need, therefore the element of codependency is nonexistent.

Unions are such a beautiful thing, however, good things come to those who wait. Don’t ever allow your impatience to rush you into a situation to satisfy temporary desires. Prepare and position yourself to be loved and to be received. While you’re waiting cultivate you, allow yourself to flourish, mold your craft so you can thrive and remember to enjoy your singleness because once the love of your life arrives, it’s no longer about you.

Dating, Lifestyle, Love, Opinions, Relationships, Sex, Thoughts of a Black Girl, Urban Issues

Distance or No Distance?

shaniselene

Long distance relationships are extremely common in 2018 and only continue to grow as the state of social media improves. My experiences regarding distant relationships were actually pleasant. Our geographical location in which we each were was the only con; initially. At that current point in time, I was a junior in college, looking forward to graduation and my post graduate endeavors. I took pride in going to see my boyfriend at the time because it meant traveling, free food, being spoiled with additional attention and most importantly, quality time.

While I’d love to blame the distance between us for our breakup, it shared no responsibility. It was one of those things where two people who were madly in love needed time to grow and come into their own. As heartbreaking as the decision would be  for most, it was one of those things that you necessarily did not want to do, but had to.  Fortunately, it worked out for the best. We are still friends, support one another and the best part is, genuine love is still there. Although I’m unsure of what the future may hold, I’m happy with the current state of my life and can’t wait to see what God has in store for me.

Now that I’m 24 years of age, I view relationships on an entire new level. I wholeheartedly believe that long distant relationships are doable, however, both parties must put in the effort. This includes having the understanding that finances must be taken into consideration for travel and the frequency in which you all are visiting one another. In situations such as this, communication is key due to the fact that you aren’t able to physically see one another. That being said, take advantage of video chat options like FaceTime or Skype.

I aspire to be a wife and I’m currently praying for constant preparation, which is why I’ve come to the realization that whether my next relationship is distant or takes place in the same vicinity, it all boils down to my significant other and I being on one accord. Is marriage the goal, are they family oriented, can they pray for me and pray to God to seek guidance in a time of uncertainty? I sometimes feel as if women have the tendency to get caught up on a checklist of what they expect relationships to be and tend to complicate things when they can be so simple. Men aren’t as difficult as we make them seem and typically know if you’re the one or someone they can see themselves with within 6 months.

If you’ve met someone in which you share an instant connection, have undeniable chemistry with, whose morals align with yours, can have fun with and enjoy each other’s company while doing absolutely nothing, but your relationship may have to start off distant initially, give it a try. If you all are serious about one another, you will make it a point to relocate to an area that fits the both of your needs. Where there’s a will, there’s a way and if he truly wants it, he’ll go after it (you).

Community, Dating, Education, Faith, Featured, Health, Love, Relationships, Sex, TheMBG, Thoughts of a Black Girl, Uncategorized, Urban Issues

Soul Ties

shaniselene

Many of us fail to realize the severity of soul ties when we make the decision to lay down with someone. We often hide behind coined terms such as, “savage” and “nonchalant” rather than surrendering to our emotions that follow physical intimacy. Although there are many of us (despite what society believes) that have the ability to carry on as if nothing ever happened after the, “deed is done”, most of us need to admit that as time progresses, feelings eventually resurface and for others, they tend to linger. 

Think about your experiences; are you aware of an individual that you just can’t seem to get rid of? You all may fuss and fight, have spontaneous arguments, take time apart, but then happen to find your way back to one another. Even if you’re cognizant that this person may not be good for you, they aren’t mature enough, ready or on your level, somehow you manage to look past every red flag waived in your direction due to hope, “what-ifs” and unknown soul ties. 

Spiritual bonds such as these require prayer in order to be released. No amount of social media purging and avoidance or deleting contact information and pictures will rid you of what has been internally housed. This is why sex goes deeper than penetration and stimulation; you become one with that individual during the act.

As you mature and the more seasoned you become in life, you learn loving someone does not warrant a relationship. The more time you indulge in your singleness and explore who you are as a person, you will begin to grasp the concept of what you like, dislike and need. Often times, the person that we believe to be our soul mate isn’t meant to be our life partner. With wisdom comes understanding; understanding that what you need from a person to function throughout life is far more important that what you may desire. Many of us have soul ties that we’re unaware of, but in order for you to be freed from something keeping you hostage, you must claim it.

Dating, Love, Relationships

Couple Pep Talks-Are they necessary?

Ke'Anna B

I’ve been going through some relationship issues that I am unsure I can fix. Lately, the arguments are repetitive. I continue to have to remind him to say I love you before leaving. Or to say good morning and good night when we wake up and before we go to sleep. Those conversations aren’t what seems to be bothering me though. What I can’t understand is why I have to repeat myself when it comes to means of cheating and disrespect. Talking to your ex? No go. Discussions with that woman that we all know can’t wait until I slip so she can slide, no go. Flirting with a female that follows me and likes our pictures. (in my Cardi B voice lol) Why? If the tables were turned, would you men be able to stand your woman making moves like you have in those scenarios? I doubt it. So let’s be real, why are you doing it? Okayyyy let me backup because I am going pretty hard. A girl can vent can’t she? That’s what I have you all for right? The feeling is mutual. In the meantime, here’s a question to ponder on while I talk my trash, should you have to have a conversation with your significant other on what is considered cheating? Don’t try to get shy now. Come back to this screen NOW!

 

Keywords: “Have” and “To”

 

Now I will contradict myself in a minute for a good cause so here it goes. For those of you that say you don’t feel you have to:

 

How in the hell is he/she supposed to know what “YOU” deem cheating or even inappropriate if you all never shared that with one another? How in the hell will he/she know not to speak to their ex they’ve been friends with for years, with you knowing, if you do not say “Hey Jack, Jill needs to slide. I don’t feel comfortable with my man/woman communicate with their ex when we are building our own empire at the time.” Simple. Now I never said his/her response back would be simple but the amount of time it took you to say that is the amount of time it will take for you to karate chop them in the throat when they proceed to try that sh*t again. Wtbs, tell they ass, tell they ass. So when you are mad you actually have a reason to be.

For those of you that say you do feel like the conversation should be had:

Why? Girl for what? That is a grown ass man/woman. Did they drop the manual in your mailbox and hire you to administer the cheating course? I think not. We have to tighten up. Repeating ourselves 1 time is cool but 2 or 3 times we are finding ourselves sounding like pure robots. Aren’t you tired? I remember really sitting around thinking of ways to repeat what I said in this disagreement last week. Ugh. That shit does get tiring, sometimes necessary. But for the most part it’s a waste of time. They should know basic home training, welp apply that to your daily life and with this cheating topic. Girlfriend. Not a mother. Nurturing tendencies but not a MOTHER. Not a home girl/home boy. Not a big cousin. A girlfriend/wife that is learning and figuring things out too. So I do double the work because you can’t get right Mr. Get Right? Lol Okay okay I’ll stop picking on you all. Seriously though, it’s not an OBLIGATION NOR A TASK so wtbs, chill out he should know what it is from jump. Period!

 

Now let’s keep it 100, what would you say?

#MustKnow, Beauty, Careers, Community, Dating, Faith, Finance, Health, Lifestyle, Love, Motivation, Opinions, Relationships, Sex, Style, TheMBG, Thoughts of a Black Girl, Uncategorized, Urban Issues

Self Love

shaniselene

There comes a point in time where life events take place that affect our self esteem. Whether it’s being laid off from your job, you’re experiencing a random breakout or grieving a traumatizing breakup, it all has an impact on our self esteem. Based on my experiences, if it wasn’t for the love and value I possess for myself, I would not have survived certain situations.

Being confident in who you are gives you the freedom to refrain from subjecting yourself to what others think. I stumbled across a suggested page on one of my social media handles and the young lady posted a video responding to negative comments about her weight. She politely stated that she is aware that she is, “skinny” and is satisfied with her size. The young lady also rejected any suggestions that have been made to gain weight similar to her sister’s. My favorite portion of the video was when she made it a point to elaborate regardless of the number of hate comments she acquired, the bottom line is, “I love me”.

Most of us have a difficult time admitting this, but only a portion of us can actually agree with her statement; some of us actually aren’t satisfied with who we are. The minute our skin is compromised, we start to wonder if our significant other would still view us in the same light or if our peers would respect us in the same manner if we decrease our weekend outings due to a job loss. We all have insecurities, as we should because it keeps us humble and we are human, but we should not allow the things that we aren’t pleased with to dictate our overall perception of ourselves. 

It may be hard to stomach, but self love doesn’t happen when everything is going well; it takes place during hard times. The stages that take place before obtaining true self love can be perceived as boot camp; it’s there to strip away remnants that no longer serve a purpose and mold you into the person who you are within. If you are reading this, love yourself on your good days and even more on your bad days, reward yourself for all of your accomplishments regardless of how minor they be, stop looking for validation from others because you are your biggest competition and always remember that no one will love you like YOU.

Community, Dating, Love, Opinions, Relationships, Sex, TheMBG, Thoughts of a Black Girl

Passion Or Stability ?

shaniselene

When it comes to your love life, do you tend to gravitate to an individual who can ensure a stable lifestyle or one that melts your heart upon the sound of their voice? As an adolescent, I’ve always been an advocate of passionate romance and making sure that I do everything in my power to avoid mediocre love, but as I’ve matured, I came to the realization that love isn’t enough. However, I am cognizant about the vitality of having similar core characteristics such as beliefs, morals, values and similar interests. Balance appears to be the best solution in this case; a fun-loving, free-spirited, ambitious and dedicated man would be the, “perfect” recipe, but we all know a perfect mate is nonexistent.

At a certain point in time, you come to the conclusion that your mate must possess more than good looks and a toned physique. Reflect on the questions you ask yourself when swimming in the dating pool; is he independent, does he try to find solutions before resorting to handouts, does he provide constructive criticism when needed, can he cater your needs, can he pray for you, is he willing to talk things out rather than going to sleep upset? These inquiries along with a list of others are to be considered when cosigning on the decision to be in a committed relationship. 

Unfortunately,  a majority of us lack the patience to consider these aspects because we are caught up on being in a relationship and having someone they can identify with. Don’t get me wrong, relationships are a beautiful thing and can be very beneficial when engaging with the right one, but it’s also important to utilize the time you have to yourself to learn more about you; what you desire and require. During this time period self confidence is established and self worth is put into perspective. Once these areas are recognized, saying, “no” to people who are unable to see your value comes at ease. I’m learning that patience brings the best rewards; it’s challenging at times, but so refreshing in the end. If you’re currently in a stagnant relationship, consider making the conscience decision to remove yourself if it isn’t helping you thrive as an individual. Sure, “love” isn’t always the easiest things to walk away from, but just because you love someone, does not imply that you must be with them. The choice is yours sis; “Passion” or “Stability”?

Love, Sex, Uncategorized

Sex Drive

Ke'Anna B

“Get it girl. Get it girl.” My favorite thing to say while I get into bed with my silk “do me baby” lingerie set. It’s been a while and I might seem a little nervous but I’m not. We all need a little pressure in our chest, you know what I mean right? I was having a conversation with my brother yesterday and he had the audacity to say “women don’t NEED sex.” No, playa playa a** dudes are the ones that need to lay off the goodies a bit. I’m getting mine, I don’t know about you.

It’s been 3 long days since Ashton and I got freaky. The longest days of my life to be completely honest. Nobody should ever have to suffer the way that I have. Head hurts, edges are thinning out and my big booty jeans not fitting. I’m sick! HELP! As a woman, there are specific WANTS that I have. You think Ashton is the only one using those whips and chains. Look at my face right now…

*waits for you all to look at me*

tumblr_msrnsjcIjN1sfirr4o1_250.gif

Is it a crime to be a woman that enjoys sex just as much as her man does? Or gets that tingle in between her thighs when her man does something simple like licks his lips? I mean that’s the same as me bending over in my shorts on and you “ouuuu” and “aww” at the site of it. The same morning sex meme’s and gif’s of a girl clapping those cheeks together are the same kinds of meme’s I’m retweeting at 3am. I want to be the girl clapping her cheeks for Zaddy. I mean, why not?

I hear people screaming all of the time “A lady in the streets but a freak in the sheets.” But as soon as I tell you my biggest fantasy or what scene I want us to role-play, I’m not being ladylike. Yeah, just as I thought. I only partake in ladylike activities between 8am-6pm. Just kidding, just kidding but kind of serious. Lol. Face it guys, women are just as horny as you men maybe even MORE. Let’s argue a bit? Do you really think men are the ONLY people that can have a high sex drive and want to hump like a rabbit? I think absolutely not.

The amount of time and effort that we spend on Fashion Nova buying their bad and boujie lingerie and trying to find my size on Vicki Secret, I deserve to bless you with all of this chocolate. Seriously though I need you all to understand that you are not the rulers of sex. It’s enough tricks, flips and handstands to go around. We are not taking away from your sex life just simply making it more interesting. So get your panties out of a bunch and face the facts. Women are about to take over the sex game. Women may not NEED sex but we want, crave and dream about sex just as you all do. 

-xoxo

 

Dating, Love, Relationships, Sex

Standard Sustainability

shaniselene

In a world of life-sized Genetically Modified Objects and socially inept individuals who lack the ability to verbally communicate, make eye contact during a discussion or refrain from expressing their emotional state on social media, it can be quite challenging to possess and abide by standards that seem so far-fetched in today’s society. I’ve always had high standards for as long as I can recall, however, I never perceived that to be a negative thing up until my peers constantly stated, “Shani, your standards are too high”. At one point in time, I started to believe what they were saying, but then I caught myself; my standards are set at the level in which they are based on me; what I have to offer and what I bring to the table. When you’re in search of companionship, lowering your standards will only attract, “help-mates”; individuals who need assistance, who may constantly look for you to fill a void where they lack and who may eventually become dependent. Keeping your standards at their current position will attract, “help-meets”; individuals that will assist you, pour into you, motivate you to do better in the areas in which you struggle.

On the contrary, as I’ve matured, I’ve learned the ability to decipher what areas are compromisable and what my deal breakers are. Engaging with someone who shares your core values is a must. Ever pondered on the thought as to why birds don’t date fish? Where will they live? Their needs and purposes are at two completely different ends of the spectrum. This newfound relationship may be exciting because it’s, “different”, but eventually the flame will burn out and they both will suffer tremendously.

In hindsight, people try to pursue what society classifies as the, “ideal mate”. Date what attracts you; if you adore intellectual conversations, be with someone who can provide that to you; if you like athletes, take one seriously who is reciprocating the same interest; if exotic dancers spark your interest, be with one, but understand the consequences that come along with dating your type. People have the tendency to go after what they believe they are supposed to and not what they actually desire. Typically, the root of their relationship problems isn’t their mate, but the fact that the person failed to be honest with themselves from the beginning. Do yourselves a favor by sticking to your guns, acknowledging when you’re being unrealistic and entertain what naturally attracts you.

Dating, Love, Relationships, TheMBG, Uncategorized

#Relationship Goals

Ke'Anna B

We have taken the expression #relationshipgoals a tad bit too far, don’t you think? What happened to long walks on the beach, a romantic dinner, opening a car door or even sending roses? Does that still account for anything? Isn’t this closer to a relationship goal than a guy posting pictures with money stuck to his ear? Oh you’re “talking to the money” right? Well, well, well… Society has definitely played a major role in the way many of us view past twitter trending topic #relationshipgoals.

Again, I’m not saying women don’t have “real” relationship goals either but some of these things are questionable. Society makes us believe that you have to be decked out in diamonds and pearls. Smh. Lucci, Lucci, Lucci. Or the hype of going on trips to countries you cannot pronounce, to impress others. You know the saying “if you can’t spell it, you shouldn’t eat it”. Exactly. This definitely applies.

Don’t get me wrong if you have it, flaunt it. If you worked hard for it, you deserve it. The idea that money and materialistic things make up the true definition of relationship goals, is up for a debate! If that is your take on a relationship goal then more power to you but there are still some simple things in life that seem more suit. Have you ever been attracted to someone that just graduated? Not because they look good in their $300 graduation outfit but because they have a 4.0 GPA and you have the sexiest intellectual conversations with them?

What about that guy that everybody talks about at the job because his car is steady overheating? Did you know he has been in a relationship for 6 years? Did you know he kept his overheating car because he wanted to buy his “fiancee” an engagement ring? Did you know the guy who had the stack of money on Snapchat last week still lives with his mom? She doesn’t live in the best neighborhood either. Yet, he still manages to wear red bottoms and get new rental cars each week.

Honestly, these are the type of things that should play a major part in #relationshipgoals. Especially the type of person you would like to have #reltionshipgoals with. What are you all bringing or have already brought to the table that doesn’t involve money or anything materialistic?

Food for thought…..