Category: Dating

Dating, Love, Relationships, Sex, Thoughts of a Black Girl, Urban Issues

Loving for the Best, not Settling for the Rest

shaniselene

When you’re in love, you never foresee the possibility of breaking up, but it happens. As time goes on, your heart heals and bonds are restored. The person you once loved to the pit of your sole no longer holds the same value they once had and that in itself is like heartbreak all over. No matter how many times you’re told that outgrowing people is a part of life, no one tells you the pain that follows. Who new that getting over the love of your life would hurt so bad?

As confident as I may be in other aspects of my life, I must admit that dating is scares me because everything is fame and internet driven. Most people that I meet are so consumed with first and impressions that they don’t realize they’re hiding behind a facade and not revealing their true self. I’ve also realized that our generation wants everything fast paced. It’s very rare to meet someone genuine and patient. All relationships have ups and downs, but your ability to work through them (if the relationship is worth salvaging) is what matters. 

It’s as if the minute turmoil presents itself, most want to call it quits. It baffles me that people state that marriage is the goal, but they’re unable to weather small storms leading up to it. Im thankful I’ve been able to meet some great men, but I can’t lie and say that I’m still unsatisfied; not because they don’t have anything to offer, they actually exceed my list, but because there is no spark and emotional connection. In my opinion, making the decision to be with someone due to their ability to be a great partner and provide a comfortable life, yet having nothing in common, is settling as well.

Dating, Love

Singleness: Being The Best Version of You.

Sandré

I feel like all aspects of my life are flourishing right now, but my love life. I’d be lying if I said the thought of being in an amazing healthy relationship with the love of my life doesn’t cross my mind from time to time. Fall has arrived and what isn’t appealing about spending these soon come cold months with a significant trusted other? Such a feeling is normal and I imagine I am not alone, but in contrast, my current love for being alone and newfound mindset to embrace my singleness comes first.

I feel as though we live in such a relationship- crazed society. Whether it’s #relationshipgoals for a couple we know nothing about other than the cute pictures they post, reality TV glorifying scandalous, toxic, drama filled relationships that are endured out due to history, or what seems to be this unsaid expectation to have somebody. Whether that having somebody entails being in a official monogamous relationship, a situationship, or someone we can call up at midnight to pull up. Nonetheless, the expectation seems to be that you have somebody.

If we are not careful, we internalize this unsaid expectation. Such subtle societal norms I believe can cause us to settle, go from relationship to the next, and fail to enjoy our singleness. I’ve  come to the realization and embrace the fact that being single isn’t a bad thing. Especially if your peace of mind is in tact. Especially if it’s due to coming out of a relationship that wasn’t fulfilling you emotionally or that you felt was less than what you deserve. Singleness should be a time to work towards being the best version of you. Being honest about what went wrong in your last relationship: what you could have done better or differently, red flags that you’ll be sure not to ignore moving forward, creating or getting back to your standard. Not a time to search for love or dread being alone, but instead a time to focus entirely on you and your goals.

Enjoy these moments that you can sleep in or take a spontaneous trip. Enjoy these moments where you are not obligated to answer to no one. Take this time to essentially be selfish as hell and put yourself out there in various interests and opportunities. Take an acting class. Go on dates. Don’t date or entertain anybody. Whatever you decide, it’s all about you. And when you do meet a guy or girl, pay attention to those red flags! Do not settle because he or she is attractive, you’re lonely, or feel you can’t do better. Understand that you are amazing with or without a partner, work on being the woman that you feel you need to. You don’t “need” someone to complete you or feel whole. Be the woman of your own dreams, mentally, physically, and emotionally. Love will come.

Although you may be currently experiencing a period of heartbreak, discouragement, or loneliness, one day it will come and priorities will shift. Don’t rush the process. When it’s right, it is right. Therefore, be encouraged and fall in love with you.

xoxo

About, Dating, Love, Opinions, Relationships, Sex, TheMBG, Thoughts of a Black Girl, Uncategorized, Urban Issues

Knowing When It’s Time To Let Go

shaniselene

December will make (3) years since I’ve been in a committed relationship and as much as     I’d like to say that it was a challenge to overcome, that’s not necessarily the case. Like most people, the desire to rekindle an old flame sat at the back of my mind for quite some time, but after revisiting the events that took place I realized the breakup was for the best.

Being in love comes with a sense of euphoria as well as a great deal of pain because once you all hit your first bump in the road, it feels as if your world is ending. After the dust settles and you all make up, everything goes back to normal. The thing about love that most leave out is outgrowing the person. They could be the most attractive, sweetest and intelligent partner, but the goals you have for yourself and their ambition may not align. People don’t always part ways due to infidelity; sometimes they just grow apart. If you’re self aware, you typically sense when it’s time to move on, but we all know it’s not that easy to let go.

When I was in a relationship, although I was happy, I placed a lot of weight on the future. Yes, planning ahead is important; picturing yourself with the other person for, “forever” is what I’ve learned to consider when dating, but I’ve also realized that accepting the person at face value is just as important. It’s a great concept to have when it comes to seeing the potential in your partner, but what most fail to realize is that it isn’t guaranteed. After having an epiphany, I made the conscious decision to move forward and not to turn back. Even though he was my best friend, my confidant and lover, I had to stomach the fact that we were on two completely different paths. One of the hardest things about love is accepting the fact that just because you love someone, that does not signify that you all must be together.

If I told you there wasn’t a sense of guilt that followed this frame of mind, I’d be lying. It’s tough making decisions that you don’t want to and it’s even tougher regarding the means you go about doing so. In no way, shape or form am I perfect; I’m human. As a human being, learning to make and live with the decisions you make are not only a part of life, but a part of love. Knowing what I know now, had I prolonged what had plateaued so long ago, resentment had the possibility of developing. Rather than ending up tolerating one another, letting go was best because it saved whatever form of friendship we could have.

I can’t see what 2020 will hold, I don’t know what’s to come in the future and I’m not putting a time limit on anything, but what I can do is prepare. I can use the lessons learned in my past to advance my relationship to come. I can be vocal when I feel as if our situation seems as if it is becoming complacent and stagnant and know that my partner will reciprocate what needs to be done to avoid this from consuming our relationship based on the foundation we’ve built. I encourage everyone to listen to their gut; listen to your spirit because it won’t steer you wrong. Never stay out of guilt, but stay purely out of desire.

Dating, Faith, Featured, Lifestyle, Love, Opinions, Relationships, Sex, Thoughts of a Black Girl, Urban Issues

Relationships Don’t Solve Your Problems, They Magnify Who You Really Are

shaniselene

As the year progresses, “Relationships” seem to become the topic of everyone’s conversation. There’s not a day that goes by where I scroll through my feed or timeline on my social media handles and someone is either begging, complaining or yearning for a relationship. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a significant other, but there are a variety of factors that most forget to consider.

Having a partner extends beyond cute Instagram pictures, videos and wearing matching outfits. If the goal is marriage, this person needs to be able to befriend you, confide in you, pray for you (depending on your beliefs) and help you grow into a better person while you reciprocate those same abilities. When negative factors are presented, you all need to take the time out to make an effort to fix the issue. While infidelity is a deal breaker for myself, I always encourage those who’ve endured this form of trauma to see if this is an area they can work through; if it’s fixable or worth it? Based on experience, most people assume that marriage is the answer to all solutions, when in fact that it is the total opposite. It simply uncovers who you both are as individuals , so if underlying issues persist either between the two of you or within yourselves, the marriage is likely to suffer.

In regards to underlying issues, insecurities are common factors. Many people don’t realize how their self esteem and confidence levels will impact their partner and dynamic of the relationship. We all suffer from things that we’d either like to change or aren’t content about, but what we must understand is until we love ourselves wholeheartedly, we will look for that same love within our partner. They will never be able to grant you that type of satisfaction because you all need to come together as (2) whole people; think of your partner as an asset rather than a need, therefore the element of codependency is nonexistent.

Unions are such a beautiful thing, however, good things come to those who wait. Don’t ever allow your impatience to rush you into a situation to satisfy temporary desires. Prepare and position yourself to be loved and to be received. While you’re waiting cultivate you, allow yourself to flourish, mold your craft so you can thrive and remember to enjoy your singleness because once the love of your life arrives, it’s no longer about you.

Dating, Lifestyle, Love, Opinions, Relationships, Sex, Thoughts of a Black Girl, Urban Issues

Distance or No Distance?

shaniselene

Long distance relationships are extremely common in 2018 and only continue to grow as the state of social media improves. My experiences regarding distant relationships were actually pleasant. Our geographical location in which we each were was the only con; initially. At that current point in time, I was a junior in college, looking forward to graduation and my post graduate endeavors. I took pride in going to see my boyfriend at the time because it meant traveling, free food, being spoiled with additional attention and most importantly, quality time.

While I’d love to blame the distance between us for our breakup, it shared no responsibility. It was one of those things where two people who were madly in love needed time to grow and come into their own. As heartbreaking as the decision would be  for most, it was one of those things that you necessarily did not want to do, but had to.  Fortunately, it worked out for the best. We are still friends, support one another and the best part is, genuine love is still there. Although I’m unsure of what the future may hold, I’m happy with the current state of my life and can’t wait to see what God has in store for me.

Now that I’m 24 years of age, I view relationships on an entire new level. I wholeheartedly believe that long distant relationships are doable, however, both parties must put in the effort. This includes having the understanding that finances must be taken into consideration for travel and the frequency in which you all are visiting one another. In situations such as this, communication is key due to the fact that you aren’t able to physically see one another. That being said, take advantage of video chat options like FaceTime or Skype.

I aspire to be a wife and I’m currently praying for constant preparation, which is why I’ve come to the realization that whether my next relationship is distant or takes place in the same vicinity, it all boils down to my significant other and I being on one accord. Is marriage the goal, are they family oriented, can they pray for me and pray to God to seek guidance in a time of uncertainty? I sometimes feel as if women have the tendency to get caught up on a checklist of what they expect relationships to be and tend to complicate things when they can be so simple. Men aren’t as difficult as we make them seem and typically know if you’re the one or someone they can see themselves with within 6 months.

If you’ve met someone in which you share an instant connection, have undeniable chemistry with, whose morals align with yours, can have fun with and enjoy each other’s company while doing absolutely nothing, but your relationship may have to start off distant initially, give it a try. If you all are serious about one another, you will make it a point to relocate to an area that fits the both of your needs. Where there’s a will, there’s a way and if he truly wants it, he’ll go after it (you).

#MustKnow, Beauty, Careers, Community, Dating, Education, Faith, Featured, Health, Lifestyle, Love, Opinions, Relationships, Sex, Style, TheMBG, Thoughts of a Black Girl, Travel, Uncategorized, Urban Issues

Likes for your Soul?

shaniselene

Social media platforms such as, Instagram, are not only updating constantly, but evolving on a tremendous level. As a blogger, it is important to consistently post quality content in order to maintain your brand, however, Instagram’s recent changes has made it extremely difficult to reach new accounts and engage with others on the platform; even your current followers have become more difficult to connect with due to the algorithm. 

Most of us would agree that the order in which your feed is displayed is one of the worst attributes of Instagram, but I believe the affect it has on the psyche and our self esteem takes the cake. Rather than utilizing this social media outlet to connect with family and friends whom you may not be able to engage with on a daily basis, it is now used to obtain followers, likes and views. To make matters worse, people are willing to do anything for attention; anything to get them seen. This includes paying ridiculous sums of money for advertisements and promotions to compromising their morals and values. 

For those of us like myself, who’s accustomed to being in the spotlight or characterized as the popular kid in school, attention isn’t something you crave when it’s always been handed to you. Please be advised that I am not excluding myself from experiencing a time of self doubt due to social media, however, the confidence and self assurance that I have both internally and externally play a major role in preventing me from falling victim to the psychological plague of Instagram.

Although I’ve received from flack from friends, outsiders and individuals with cyber courage that stated I wouldn’t be able to relate to certain struggles on Instagram because I meet a majority of the standards of beauty or been trendy before Instagram existed, my main goal is to educate and inspire others through my medical school journey, new ventures throughout my career and levels in which God has brought me to and places He intends to take me. I want others to know that He can do the same for them and not to allow the perception of society limit them to what they can do. 

No shade to the accounts that have reached large pinnacles of success, but most of them eat, live and sleep Instagram and have nothing else going on for themselves outside of it. When you begin collaborating with other bloggers or influencers, receive deals from major companies and network with successful individuals in the industry, you learn that IG is not all it’s cracked up to be. It isn’t REAL. The more you begin to focus on all of the positives in your life, what you currently have and cultivating the things in your world, the hype of Instagram will begin to fade and eventually, you won’t even notice it. Remember to water your own grass rather than sprinting in a never ending rat race chasing something unobtainable.

Community, Dating, Education, Faith, Featured, Health, Love, Relationships, Sex, TheMBG, Thoughts of a Black Girl, Uncategorized, Urban Issues

Soul Ties

shaniselene

Many of us fail to realize the severity of soul ties when we make the decision to lay down with someone. We often hide behind coined terms such as, “savage” and “nonchalant” rather than surrendering to our emotions that follow physical intimacy. Although there are many of us (despite what society believes) that have the ability to carry on as if nothing ever happened after the, “deed is done”, most of us need to admit that as time progresses, feelings eventually resurface and for others, they tend to linger. 

Think about your experiences; are you aware of an individual that you just can’t seem to get rid of? You all may fuss and fight, have spontaneous arguments, take time apart, but then happen to find your way back to one another. Even if you’re cognizant that this person may not be good for you, they aren’t mature enough, ready or on your level, somehow you manage to look past every red flag waived in your direction due to hope, “what-ifs” and unknown soul ties. 

Spiritual bonds such as these require prayer in order to be released. No amount of social media purging and avoidance or deleting contact information and pictures will rid you of what has been internally housed. This is why sex goes deeper than penetration and stimulation; you become one with that individual during the act.

As you mature and the more seasoned you become in life, you learn loving someone does not warrant a relationship. The more time you indulge in your singleness and explore who you are as a person, you will begin to grasp the concept of what you like, dislike and need. Often times, the person that we believe to be our soul mate isn’t meant to be our life partner. With wisdom comes understanding; understanding that what you need from a person to function throughout life is far more important that what you may desire. Many of us have soul ties that we’re unaware of, but in order for you to be freed from something keeping you hostage, you must claim it.

Dating, Love, Relationships

Couple Pep Talks-Are they necessary?

Ke'Anna B

I’ve been going through some relationship issues that I am unsure I can fix. Lately, the arguments are repetitive. I continue to have to remind him to say I love you before leaving. Or to say good morning and good night when we wake up and before we go to sleep. Those conversations aren’t what seems to be bothering me though. What I can’t understand is why I have to repeat myself when it comes to means of cheating and disrespect. Talking to your ex? No go. Discussions with that woman that we all know can’t wait until I slip so she can slide, no go. Flirting with a female that follows me and likes our pictures. (in my Cardi B voice lol) Why? If the tables were turned, would you men be able to stand your woman making moves like you have in those scenarios? I doubt it. So let’s be real, why are you doing it? Okayyyy let me backup because I am going pretty hard. A girl can vent can’t she? That’s what I have you all for right? The feeling is mutual. In the meantime, here’s a question to ponder on while I talk my trash, should you have to have a conversation with your significant other on what is considered cheating? Don’t try to get shy now. Come back to this screen NOW!

 

Keywords: “Have” and “To”

 

Now I will contradict myself in a minute for a good cause so here it goes. For those of you that say you don’t feel you have to:

 

How in the hell is he/she supposed to know what “YOU” deem cheating or even inappropriate if you all never shared that with one another? How in the hell will he/she know not to speak to their ex they’ve been friends with for years, with you knowing, if you do not say “Hey Jack, Jill needs to slide. I don’t feel comfortable with my man/woman communicate with their ex when we are building our own empire at the time.” Simple. Now I never said his/her response back would be simple but the amount of time it took you to say that is the amount of time it will take for you to karate chop them in the throat when they proceed to try that sh*t again. Wtbs, tell they ass, tell they ass. So when you are mad you actually have a reason to be.

For those of you that say you do feel like the conversation should be had:

Why? Girl for what? That is a grown ass man/woman. Did they drop the manual in your mailbox and hire you to administer the cheating course? I think not. We have to tighten up. Repeating ourselves 1 time is cool but 2 or 3 times we are finding ourselves sounding like pure robots. Aren’t you tired? I remember really sitting around thinking of ways to repeat what I said in this disagreement last week. Ugh. That shit does get tiring, sometimes necessary. But for the most part it’s a waste of time. They should know basic home training, welp apply that to your daily life and with this cheating topic. Girlfriend. Not a mother. Nurturing tendencies but not a MOTHER. Not a home girl/home boy. Not a big cousin. A girlfriend/wife that is learning and figuring things out too. So I do double the work because you can’t get right Mr. Get Right? Lol Okay okay I’ll stop picking on you all. Seriously though, it’s not an OBLIGATION NOR A TASK so wtbs, chill out he should know what it is from jump. Period!

 

Now let’s keep it 100, what would you say?

Dating, Relationships, Sex, Uncategorized

Living Single

Ke'Anna B

I know I’m not the only one that feels like being single is weird. It does and it’s like “what do I do next?” What do we do next? Go to happy hour, sit cute and catch a vibe with a fine thang. Have a one night stand why not? It’s easier said than done. I think when women become single we focus more on ourselves. We start to evaluate all that we need to do in order to keep our last bit of peace of mind if you haven’t lost it all. We really start to love thyself. It’s crazy because break-ups are always connected to disconnection, miscommunication/no communication and things we possibly won’t ever forgive. But now I look at break-ups as lessons. Whether that is for you all to get yourselves together and brings those STRONG, INDEPENDENT forces together. Or be completely done with one another so you can prosper accordingly without them. We are starting to use grind time as the getaway instead of taking a bite out of Mr. Chocolate at the bar. We are smart as hell, you better ask about us.

 

It’s like I just got out a relationship, why do I need to jump right back in? I need space to breath. Find myself again. But damn focusing so much on myself made me a little lonely. And just like that you’ve got your first example on “how single life sucks!” I’m quite sure a few of you are wondering “how did you just say you all of those things about focus on yourselves you don’t need…” I know but you get what I’m saying. That single life hits you at night. Low key it hits me all of the damn time when I least expect it. ZESTYYYYY! Zesty means having the urge to have some hot and steamy sex. Now if I’m single how likely is this going to be happening? Ladies that aren’t concerned with getting some, what about cuddling? Many guys don’t cuddle with women especially while they are single. It shows to much affection for those that are not. Which leaves us zesty, thirsty and about to die from lack of attention and butt rubs. We hold you all completely and utterly accountable. Lol.

 

All jokes aside how easy do you think being a single, black woman is? That was a serious question. I’ll sit that right there. I’ve always wanted to know what you all “thought” we did and/or do while we are single. Perhaps, drink our little lives away? Yeah? Some of us but womp, womp wrong again. Men in the building keep it funky with your girl, when your ex gets back on the market, for those that care, what do you think she’s doing? Now I want to make this as fun and cranked up as possible. Keep it cute and don’t be rude! Drop comments below!

#MustKnow, Beauty, Careers, Community, Dating, Faith, Finance, Health, Lifestyle, Love, Motivation, Opinions, Relationships, Sex, Style, TheMBG, Thoughts of a Black Girl, Uncategorized, Urban Issues

Self Love

shaniselene

There comes a point in time where life events take place that affect our self esteem. Whether it’s being laid off from your job, you’re experiencing a random breakout or grieving a traumatizing breakup, it all has an impact on our self esteem. Based on my experiences, if it wasn’t for the love and value I possess for myself, I would not have survived certain situations.

Being confident in who you are gives you the freedom to refrain from subjecting yourself to what others think. I stumbled across a suggested page on one of my social media handles and the young lady posted a video responding to negative comments about her weight. She politely stated that she is aware that she is, “skinny” and is satisfied with her size. The young lady also rejected any suggestions that have been made to gain weight similar to her sister’s. My favorite portion of the video was when she made it a point to elaborate regardless of the number of hate comments she acquired, the bottom line is, “I love me”.

Most of us have a difficult time admitting this, but only a portion of us can actually agree with her statement; some of us actually aren’t satisfied with who we are. The minute our skin is compromised, we start to wonder if our significant other would still view us in the same light or if our peers would respect us in the same manner if we decrease our weekend outings due to a job loss. We all have insecurities, as we should because it keeps us humble and we are human, but we should not allow the things that we aren’t pleased with to dictate our overall perception of ourselves. 

It may be hard to stomach, but self love doesn’t happen when everything is going well; it takes place during hard times. The stages that take place before obtaining true self love can be perceived as boot camp; it’s there to strip away remnants that no longer serve a purpose and mold you into the person who you are within. If you are reading this, love yourself on your good days and even more on your bad days, reward yourself for all of your accomplishments regardless of how minor they be, stop looking for validation from others because you are your biggest competition and always remember that no one will love you like YOU.