Category: Relationships

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Peace of Mind

Sandré

At what expense is your peace of mind? Money? Great sex? Nice things?  A conversation came up within the work place the other day. Relatively new, I mind my business and simply listen. A colleague was going on and on about how unhappy she is with her current boo. In summary, boo thang is trash. She was asked why she stayed and her response was because of the lifestyle he offered. His company came with cash and gifts. I’ve too found myself holding on to things or an individual not because it’s of value or because it was healthy per se but because of what it promised or came with. I’m usually not the one to blame it on the alcohol but I will say that a few days ago it definitely contributed to me being in my feelings. Frisky feelings to say the least, which resulted in exchanging some photos with an ex. I’m not sure if it was that the liquor was wearing off, my inner self trying to talk some sense to me, or a combination of both, shoot maybe it was God, but what originally started off as enticing and sexy, to say the least, turned into me feeling sick to my stomach. I felt rather awkward and began to think to myself.

What good is great dick if it comes with lies, confusion, and heartbreak? What good are lavish gifts if they come with entitlement and no respect. What good is money if you have to compromise who you are at the core to obtain it. What good is that high paying job if the work environment is toxic and literally tearing at your self worth or mental space. What good are thousands of followers and fame if you feel empty inside? Need I go on? You get it. Disclaimer, if an uneasy mind is due to underlying mental health issues, then it’s out of our control and we must not be afraid to seek professional help. But if it is not, understand that health is wealth and so is our peace of mind. A healthy mental space has got to be a priority. Maybe the things mentioned aren’t what contribute to you having a restless mind. None the less, it’s important we pinpoint what it currently is or may be and avoid it. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in the notion that money, among other tangible things, are a cure all and will bring happiness. I’m not rich, but I can easily think back on a few moments where I thought receiving a certain amount of money or a specific item would fix a situation and it didn’t. I had to get to the root of the issue. The underlying issue that was making me lose sleep and wasn’t sitting well with my soul. This being stated, make your mental health a priority, choose peace!

xoxo

Dating, Love, Relationships, Sex, Thoughts of a Black Girl, Urban Issues

Loving for the Best, not Settling for the Rest

shaniselene

When you’re in love, you never foresee the possibility of breaking up, but it happens. As time goes on, your heart heals and bonds are restored. The person you once loved to the pit of your sole no longer holds the same value they once had and that in itself is like heartbreak all over. No matter how many times you’re told that outgrowing people is a part of life, no one tells you the pain that follows. Who new that getting over the love of your life would hurt so bad?

As confident as I may be in other aspects of my life, I must admit that dating is scares me because everything is fame and internet driven. Most people that I meet are so consumed with first and impressions that they don’t realize they’re hiding behind a facade and not revealing their true self. I’ve also realized that our generation wants everything fast paced. It’s very rare to meet someone genuine and patient. All relationships have ups and downs, but your ability to work through them (if the relationship is worth salvaging) is what matters. 

It’s as if the minute turmoil presents itself, most want to call it quits. It baffles me that people state that marriage is the goal, but they’re unable to weather small storms leading up to it. Im thankful I’ve been able to meet some great men, but I can’t lie and say that I’m still unsatisfied; not because they don’t have anything to offer, they actually exceed my list, but because there is no spark and emotional connection. In my opinion, making the decision to be with someone due to their ability to be a great partner and provide a comfortable life, yet having nothing in common, is settling as well.

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Sacrificing Your Friends For Your Future

shaniselene

It’s important to monitor your inner circle when it comes to pursuing your goals in life. One of the hardest realities I’ve faced has been learning to let go of individuals that have exceeded their expiration date. I used to be one of those people who held onto relationships (both platonic and romantic) based on the amount of time the person has been in my life.

After various events that took place within a friendship of mine, I realized that outgrowing people is a part of life and accepted the fact that everyone isn’t meant to come along during certain parts of my journey. If you care for your loved ones as much as I do, then you’ll understand why this decision wasn’t an easy one. There will be some people that take offense to your choice because they either don’t understand or don’t want to put in the effort to understand that you all may be growing apart and going separate paths.

One of my biggest mistakes were allowing some of those people to make me feel guilty for growing, for becoming the woman I am and wanting more for myself. Rather than encouraging me, I was ignored, called conceited and selfish. They were wrong about every description except classifying me as, “selfish”.  Even though I’m not a self absorbed person, for the past (6) months I’ve been extremely selfish with my funds, time and things I put my energy into. They say that your 20’s are the perfect time to think about yourself.  This is the time to make decisions for yourself and highly consider what’s best for you; it isn’t the time to settle. 

After having an epiphany and grasping what that concept really meant, I no longer felt the need to apologize for the decisions I’ve been making. I quickly learned that my true friends who genuinely supported me resided in different parts of the world. Sometimes we get so caught up on accessibility and fail to realize that just because something is available and tangible doesn’t always mean it’s in our best interest.

You want to ensure that those around you call you to the carpet when you’re slacking. Your friends must be able to hold you accountable for your actions even when they aren’t the best. They need to have the ability to feed your spirit and pour into you when you don’t have the energy to do it for yourself. 

In no way, shape or form am I telling you to drop your, “day 1’s”. However, I do encourage you to decipher who your are keeping in your life, why you are keeping them in your life and if they deserve to stay.

About, Dating, Love, Opinions, Relationships, Sex, TheMBG, Thoughts of a Black Girl, Uncategorized, Urban Issues

Knowing When It’s Time To Let Go

shaniselene

December will make (3) years since I’ve been in a committed relationship and as much as     I’d like to say that it was a challenge to overcome, that’s not necessarily the case. Like most people, the desire to rekindle an old flame sat at the back of my mind for quite some time, but after revisiting the events that took place I realized the breakup was for the best.

Being in love comes with a sense of euphoria as well as a great deal of pain because once you all hit your first bump in the road, it feels as if your world is ending. After the dust settles and you all make up, everything goes back to normal. The thing about love that most leave out is outgrowing the person. They could be the most attractive, sweetest and intelligent partner, but the goals you have for yourself and their ambition may not align. People don’t always part ways due to infidelity; sometimes they just grow apart. If you’re self aware, you typically sense when it’s time to move on, but we all know it’s not that easy to let go.

When I was in a relationship, although I was happy, I placed a lot of weight on the future. Yes, planning ahead is important; picturing yourself with the other person for, “forever” is what I’ve learned to consider when dating, but I’ve also realized that accepting the person at face value is just as important. It’s a great concept to have when it comes to seeing the potential in your partner, but what most fail to realize is that it isn’t guaranteed. After having an epiphany, I made the conscious decision to move forward and not to turn back. Even though he was my best friend, my confidant and lover, I had to stomach the fact that we were on two completely different paths. One of the hardest things about love is accepting the fact that just because you love someone, that does not signify that you all must be together.

If I told you there wasn’t a sense of guilt that followed this frame of mind, I’d be lying. It’s tough making decisions that you don’t want to and it’s even tougher regarding the means you go about doing so. In no way, shape or form am I perfect; I’m human. As a human being, learning to make and live with the decisions you make are not only a part of life, but a part of love. Knowing what I know now, had I prolonged what had plateaued so long ago, resentment had the possibility of developing. Rather than ending up tolerating one another, letting go was best because it saved whatever form of friendship we could have.

I can’t see what 2020 will hold, I don’t know what’s to come in the future and I’m not putting a time limit on anything, but what I can do is prepare. I can use the lessons learned in my past to advance my relationship to come. I can be vocal when I feel as if our situation seems as if it is becoming complacent and stagnant and know that my partner will reciprocate what needs to be done to avoid this from consuming our relationship based on the foundation we’ve built. I encourage everyone to listen to their gut; listen to your spirit because it won’t steer you wrong. Never stay out of guilt, but stay purely out of desire.

Dating, Faith, Featured, Lifestyle, Love, Opinions, Relationships, Sex, Thoughts of a Black Girl, Urban Issues

Relationships Don’t Solve Your Problems, They Magnify Who You Really Are

shaniselene

As the year progresses, “Relationships” seem to become the topic of everyone’s conversation. There’s not a day that goes by where I scroll through my feed or timeline on my social media handles and someone is either begging, complaining or yearning for a relationship. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a significant other, but there are a variety of factors that most forget to consider.

Having a partner extends beyond cute Instagram pictures, videos and wearing matching outfits. If the goal is marriage, this person needs to be able to befriend you, confide in you, pray for you (depending on your beliefs) and help you grow into a better person while you reciprocate those same abilities. When negative factors are presented, you all need to take the time out to make an effort to fix the issue. While infidelity is a deal breaker for myself, I always encourage those who’ve endured this form of trauma to see if this is an area they can work through; if it’s fixable or worth it? Based on experience, most people assume that marriage is the answer to all solutions, when in fact that it is the total opposite. It simply uncovers who you both are as individuals , so if underlying issues persist either between the two of you or within yourselves, the marriage is likely to suffer.

In regards to underlying issues, insecurities are common factors. Many people don’t realize how their self esteem and confidence levels will impact their partner and dynamic of the relationship. We all suffer from things that we’d either like to change or aren’t content about, but what we must understand is until we love ourselves wholeheartedly, we will look for that same love within our partner. They will never be able to grant you that type of satisfaction because you all need to come together as (2) whole people; think of your partner as an asset rather than a need, therefore the element of codependency is nonexistent.

Unions are such a beautiful thing, however, good things come to those who wait. Don’t ever allow your impatience to rush you into a situation to satisfy temporary desires. Prepare and position yourself to be loved and to be received. While you’re waiting cultivate you, allow yourself to flourish, mold your craft so you can thrive and remember to enjoy your singleness because once the love of your life arrives, it’s no longer about you.

Dating, Lifestyle, Love, Opinions, Relationships, Sex, Thoughts of a Black Girl, Urban Issues

Distance or No Distance?

shaniselene

Long distance relationships are extremely common in 2018 and only continue to grow as the state of social media improves. My experiences regarding distant relationships were actually pleasant. Our geographical location in which we each were was the only con; initially. At that current point in time, I was a junior in college, looking forward to graduation and my post graduate endeavors. I took pride in going to see my boyfriend at the time because it meant traveling, free food, being spoiled with additional attention and most importantly, quality time.

While I’d love to blame the distance between us for our breakup, it shared no responsibility. It was one of those things where two people who were madly in love needed time to grow and come into their own. As heartbreaking as the decision would be  for most, it was one of those things that you necessarily did not want to do, but had to.  Fortunately, it worked out for the best. We are still friends, support one another and the best part is, genuine love is still there. Although I’m unsure of what the future may hold, I’m happy with the current state of my life and can’t wait to see what God has in store for me.

Now that I’m 24 years of age, I view relationships on an entire new level. I wholeheartedly believe that long distant relationships are doable, however, both parties must put in the effort. This includes having the understanding that finances must be taken into consideration for travel and the frequency in which you all are visiting one another. In situations such as this, communication is key due to the fact that you aren’t able to physically see one another. That being said, take advantage of video chat options like FaceTime or Skype.

I aspire to be a wife and I’m currently praying for constant preparation, which is why I’ve come to the realization that whether my next relationship is distant or takes place in the same vicinity, it all boils down to my significant other and I being on one accord. Is marriage the goal, are they family oriented, can they pray for me and pray to God to seek guidance in a time of uncertainty? I sometimes feel as if women have the tendency to get caught up on a checklist of what they expect relationships to be and tend to complicate things when they can be so simple. Men aren’t as difficult as we make them seem and typically know if you’re the one or someone they can see themselves with within 6 months.

If you’ve met someone in which you share an instant connection, have undeniable chemistry with, whose morals align with yours, can have fun with and enjoy each other’s company while doing absolutely nothing, but your relationship may have to start off distant initially, give it a try. If you all are serious about one another, you will make it a point to relocate to an area that fits the both of your needs. Where there’s a will, there’s a way and if he truly wants it, he’ll go after it (you).

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Likes for your Soul?

shaniselene

Social media platforms such as, Instagram, are not only updating constantly, but evolving on a tremendous level. As a blogger, it is important to consistently post quality content in order to maintain your brand, however, Instagram’s recent changes has made it extremely difficult to reach new accounts and engage with others on the platform; even your current followers have become more difficult to connect with due to the algorithm. 

Most of us would agree that the order in which your feed is displayed is one of the worst attributes of Instagram, but I believe the affect it has on the psyche and our self esteem takes the cake. Rather than utilizing this social media outlet to connect with family and friends whom you may not be able to engage with on a daily basis, it is now used to obtain followers, likes and views. To make matters worse, people are willing to do anything for attention; anything to get them seen. This includes paying ridiculous sums of money for advertisements and promotions to compromising their morals and values. 

For those of us like myself, who’s accustomed to being in the spotlight or characterized as the popular kid in school, attention isn’t something you crave when it’s always been handed to you. Please be advised that I am not excluding myself from experiencing a time of self doubt due to social media, however, the confidence and self assurance that I have both internally and externally play a major role in preventing me from falling victim to the psychological plague of Instagram.

Although I’ve received from flack from friends, outsiders and individuals with cyber courage that stated I wouldn’t be able to relate to certain struggles on Instagram because I meet a majority of the standards of beauty or been trendy before Instagram existed, my main goal is to educate and inspire others through my medical school journey, new ventures throughout my career and levels in which God has brought me to and places He intends to take me. I want others to know that He can do the same for them and not to allow the perception of society limit them to what they can do. 

No shade to the accounts that have reached large pinnacles of success, but most of them eat, live and sleep Instagram and have nothing else going on for themselves outside of it. When you begin collaborating with other bloggers or influencers, receive deals from major companies and network with successful individuals in the industry, you learn that IG is not all it’s cracked up to be. It isn’t REAL. The more you begin to focus on all of the positives in your life, what you currently have and cultivating the things in your world, the hype of Instagram will begin to fade and eventually, you won’t even notice it. Remember to water your own grass rather than sprinting in a never ending rat race chasing something unobtainable.

Community, Dating, Education, Faith, Featured, Health, Love, Relationships, Sex, TheMBG, Thoughts of a Black Girl, Uncategorized, Urban Issues

Soul Ties

shaniselene

Many of us fail to realize the severity of soul ties when we make the decision to lay down with someone. We often hide behind coined terms such as, “savage” and “nonchalant” rather than surrendering to our emotions that follow physical intimacy. Although there are many of us (despite what society believes) that have the ability to carry on as if nothing ever happened after the, “deed is done”, most of us need to admit that as time progresses, feelings eventually resurface and for others, they tend to linger. 

Think about your experiences; are you aware of an individual that you just can’t seem to get rid of? You all may fuss and fight, have spontaneous arguments, take time apart, but then happen to find your way back to one another. Even if you’re cognizant that this person may not be good for you, they aren’t mature enough, ready or on your level, somehow you manage to look past every red flag waived in your direction due to hope, “what-ifs” and unknown soul ties. 

Spiritual bonds such as these require prayer in order to be released. No amount of social media purging and avoidance or deleting contact information and pictures will rid you of what has been internally housed. This is why sex goes deeper than penetration and stimulation; you become one with that individual during the act.

As you mature and the more seasoned you become in life, you learn loving someone does not warrant a relationship. The more time you indulge in your singleness and explore who you are as a person, you will begin to grasp the concept of what you like, dislike and need. Often times, the person that we believe to be our soul mate isn’t meant to be our life partner. With wisdom comes understanding; understanding that what you need from a person to function throughout life is far more important that what you may desire. Many of us have soul ties that we’re unaware of, but in order for you to be freed from something keeping you hostage, you must claim it.

Dating, Love, Relationships

Couple Pep Talks-Are they necessary?

Ke'Anna B

I’ve been going through some relationship issues that I am unsure I can fix. Lately, the arguments are repetitive. I continue to have to remind him to say I love you before leaving. Or to say good morning and good night when we wake up and before we go to sleep. Those conversations aren’t what seems to be bothering me though. What I can’t understand is why I have to repeat myself when it comes to means of cheating and disrespect. Talking to your ex? No go. Discussions with that woman that we all know can’t wait until I slip so she can slide, no go. Flirting with a female that follows me and likes our pictures. (in my Cardi B voice lol) Why? If the tables were turned, would you men be able to stand your woman making moves like you have in those scenarios? I doubt it. So let’s be real, why are you doing it? Okayyyy let me backup because I am going pretty hard. A girl can vent can’t she? That’s what I have you all for right? The feeling is mutual. In the meantime, here’s a question to ponder on while I talk my trash, should you have to have a conversation with your significant other on what is considered cheating? Don’t try to get shy now. Come back to this screen NOW!

 

Keywords: “Have” and “To”

 

Now I will contradict myself in a minute for a good cause so here it goes. For those of you that say you don’t feel you have to:

 

How in the hell is he/she supposed to know what “YOU” deem cheating or even inappropriate if you all never shared that with one another? How in the hell will he/she know not to speak to their ex they’ve been friends with for years, with you knowing, if you do not say “Hey Jack, Jill needs to slide. I don’t feel comfortable with my man/woman communicate with their ex when we are building our own empire at the time.” Simple. Now I never said his/her response back would be simple but the amount of time it took you to say that is the amount of time it will take for you to karate chop them in the throat when they proceed to try that sh*t again. Wtbs, tell they ass, tell they ass. So when you are mad you actually have a reason to be.

For those of you that say you do feel like the conversation should be had:

Why? Girl for what? That is a grown ass man/woman. Did they drop the manual in your mailbox and hire you to administer the cheating course? I think not. We have to tighten up. Repeating ourselves 1 time is cool but 2 or 3 times we are finding ourselves sounding like pure robots. Aren’t you tired? I remember really sitting around thinking of ways to repeat what I said in this disagreement last week. Ugh. That shit does get tiring, sometimes necessary. But for the most part it’s a waste of time. They should know basic home training, welp apply that to your daily life and with this cheating topic. Girlfriend. Not a mother. Nurturing tendencies but not a MOTHER. Not a home girl/home boy. Not a big cousin. A girlfriend/wife that is learning and figuring things out too. So I do double the work because you can’t get right Mr. Get Right? Lol Okay okay I’ll stop picking on you all. Seriously though, it’s not an OBLIGATION NOR A TASK so wtbs, chill out he should know what it is from jump. Period!

 

Now let’s keep it 100, what would you say?

Dating, Relationships, Sex, Uncategorized

Living Single

Ke'Anna B

I know I’m not the only one that feels like being single is weird. It does and it’s like “what do I do next?” What do we do next? Go to happy hour, sit cute and catch a vibe with a fine thang. Have a one night stand why not? It’s easier said than done. I think when women become single we focus more on ourselves. We start to evaluate all that we need to do in order to keep our last bit of peace of mind if you haven’t lost it all. We really start to love thyself. It’s crazy because break-ups are always connected to disconnection, miscommunication/no communication and things we possibly won’t ever forgive. But now I look at break-ups as lessons. Whether that is for you all to get yourselves together and brings those STRONG, INDEPENDENT forces together. Or be completely done with one another so you can prosper accordingly without them. We are starting to use grind time as the getaway instead of taking a bite out of Mr. Chocolate at the bar. We are smart as hell, you better ask about us.

 

It’s like I just got out a relationship, why do I need to jump right back in? I need space to breath. Find myself again. But damn focusing so much on myself made me a little lonely. And just like that you’ve got your first example on “how single life sucks!” I’m quite sure a few of you are wondering “how did you just say you all of those things about focus on yourselves you don’t need…” I know but you get what I’m saying. That single life hits you at night. Low key it hits me all of the damn time when I least expect it. ZESTYYYYY! Zesty means having the urge to have some hot and steamy sex. Now if I’m single how likely is this going to be happening? Ladies that aren’t concerned with getting some, what about cuddling? Many guys don’t cuddle with women especially while they are single. It shows to much affection for those that are not. Which leaves us zesty, thirsty and about to die from lack of attention and butt rubs. We hold you all completely and utterly accountable. Lol.

 

All jokes aside how easy do you think being a single, black woman is? That was a serious question. I’ll sit that right there. I’ve always wanted to know what you all “thought” we did and/or do while we are single. Perhaps, drink our little lives away? Yeah? Some of us but womp, womp wrong again. Men in the building keep it funky with your girl, when your ex gets back on the market, for those that care, what do you think she’s doing? Now I want to make this as fun and cranked up as possible. Keep it cute and don’t be rude! Drop comments below!