Category: Relationships

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Self Love

shaniselene

There comes a point in time where life events take place that affect our self esteem. Whether it’s being laid off from your job, you’re experiencing a random breakout or grieving a traumatizing breakup, it all has an impact on our self esteem. Based on my experiences, if it wasn’t for the love and value I possess for myself, I would not have survived certain situations.

Being confident in who you are gives you the freedom to refrain from subjecting yourself to what others think. I stumbled across a suggested page on one of my social media handles and the young lady posted a video responding to negative comments about her weight. She politely stated that she is aware that she is, “skinny” and is satisfied with her size. The young lady also rejected any suggestions that have been made to gain weight similar to her sister’s. My favorite portion of the video was when she made it a point to elaborate regardless of the number of hate comments she acquired, the bottom line is, “I love me”.

Most of us have a difficult time admitting this, but only a portion of us can actually agree with her statement; some of us actually aren’t satisfied with who we are. The minute our skin is compromised, we start to wonder if our significant other would still view us in the same light or if our peers would respect us in the same manner if we decrease our weekend outings due to a job loss. We all have insecurities, as we should because it keeps us humble and we are human, but we should not allow the things that we aren’t pleased with to dictate our overall perception of ourselves. 

It may be hard to stomach, but self love doesn’t happen when everything is going well; it takes place during hard times. The stages that take place before obtaining true self love can be perceived as boot camp; it’s there to strip away remnants that no longer serve a purpose and mold you into the person who you are within. If you are reading this, love yourself on your good days and even more on your bad days, reward yourself for all of your accomplishments regardless of how minor they be, stop looking for validation from others because you are your biggest competition and always remember that no one will love you like YOU.

Community, Dating, Love, Opinions, Relationships, Sex, TheMBG, Thoughts of a Black Girl

Passion Or Stability ?

shaniselene

When it comes to your love life, do you tend to gravitate to an individual who can ensure a stable lifestyle or one that melts your heart upon the sound of their voice? As an adolescent, I’ve always been an advocate of passionate romance and making sure that I do everything in my power to avoid mediocre love, but as I’ve matured, I came to the realization that love isn’t enough. However, I am cognizant about the vitality of having similar core characteristics such as beliefs, morals, values and similar interests. Balance appears to be the best solution in this case; a fun-loving, free-spirited, ambitious and dedicated man would be the, “perfect” recipe, but we all know a perfect mate is nonexistent.

At a certain point in time, you come to the conclusion that your mate must possess more than good looks and a toned physique. Reflect on the questions you ask yourself when swimming in the dating pool; is he independent, does he try to find solutions before resorting to handouts, does he provide constructive criticism when needed, can he cater your needs, can he pray for you, is he willing to talk things out rather than going to sleep upset? These inquiries along with a list of others are to be considered when cosigning on the decision to be in a committed relationship. 

Unfortunately,  a majority of us lack the patience to consider these aspects because we are caught up on being in a relationship and having someone they can identify with. Don’t get me wrong, relationships are a beautiful thing and can be very beneficial when engaging with the right one, but it’s also important to utilize the time you have to yourself to learn more about you; what you desire and require. During this time period self confidence is established and self worth is put into perspective. Once these areas are recognized, saying, “no” to people who are unable to see your value comes at ease. I’m learning that patience brings the best rewards; it’s challenging at times, but so refreshing in the end. If you’re currently in a stagnant relationship, consider making the conscience decision to remove yourself if it isn’t helping you thrive as an individual. Sure, “love” isn’t always the easiest things to walk away from, but just because you love someone, does not imply that you must be with them. The choice is yours sis; “Passion” or “Stability”?

Careers, Community, Faith, Lifestyle, Opinions, Relationships, TheMBG, Thoughts of a Black Girl, Uncategorized

“Growing Pains”

shaniselene

“Chapter 24” has served as an eye opening benchmark thus far. When your parents advise you to prepare yourself for a loss of certain friendships as you begin to mature, please believe them. I find myself more and more isolated as each birthday arrives and each goal is accomplished. Initially, I held the perspective that the older and more successful I became, the larger my, “circle of friends” would grow; I was sadly mistaken (lol). Although I’m a social butterfly, I do enjoy my alone time when necessary, but I find myself indulging in, “me time” more often. One of my staple prayers has always been to remove anyone that has either reached their expiration date or no longer serves purpose in my life; this includes friends, family, peers and old flames. 

Oprah said a statement so profound that has resonated with me ever since; “You are not only responsible for the energy you give off, but you are also responsible for the energy you allow around you”. It’s vital to mind who you allow in your space; everyone’s intentions may not be as pure as your own. As frank as it may sound, this includes the individuals you label as, “friends”. After listening to Oprah’s words of wisdom, I began to analyze my current relationships and came to the realization that I often put in more effort than what was reciprocated. In no way am I saying to operate in a, “Tit for Tat” manner, but regardless if the relationships are platonic or romantic, both parties should benefit in some form or fashion. I was giving and stressing so much to the point where my immune system was compromised and I got sick. 

One of the hardest realities to accept was when you have a calling on your life; you can not and will not be for everyone. As you mature, you will outgrow certain people and things, but that’s the beauty about life. Your desires and needs change; what was once a priority is no longer of importance. When it comes to making sacrifices, this may mean ending ties with some people. During this purging phase I’m enduring, I’m learning the best way to handle situations such as these is to love people from afar. Envy, greed and insecurity serve as major threats to relationships, but they do exist. As difficult as it may be to fathom, there may be some people who posses those same traits in reference to you. They may not admit it, but it will revel itself within their actions. Once you witness the first sign reflecting those characteristics, you’ll know what you have to do. I’m a firm believer in allowing people to be who they are and respecting the manner in which they choose to live their life, even if I may disagree, but I also believe in doing what’s best for you. Tend to your crop and water your garden in order for you to bless others, but upon the first sight of Growing Painsweeds, remove them to prevent any hindrance of growth. Pour into the people and things that pour into you; nourish the areas that encourage you to thrive because you know what they say, “If you want to see who your real friends are, start a business”.

Dating, Love, Relationships, Sex

Standard Sustainability

shaniselene

In a world of life-sized Genetically Modified Objects and socially inept individuals who lack the ability to verbally communicate, make eye contact during a discussion or refrain from expressing their emotional state on social media, it can be quite challenging to possess and abide by standards that seem so far-fetched in today’s society. I’ve always had high standards for as long as I can recall, however, I never perceived that to be a negative thing up until my peers constantly stated, “Shani, your standards are too high”. At one point in time, I started to believe what they were saying, but then I caught myself; my standards are set at the level in which they are based on me; what I have to offer and what I bring to the table. When you’re in search of companionship, lowering your standards will only attract, “help-mates”; individuals who need assistance, who may constantly look for you to fill a void where they lack and who may eventually become dependent. Keeping your standards at their current position will attract, “help-meets”; individuals that will assist you, pour into you, motivate you to do better in the areas in which you struggle.

On the contrary, as I’ve matured, I’ve learned the ability to decipher what areas are compromisable and what my deal breakers are. Engaging with someone who shares your core values is a must. Ever pondered on the thought as to why birds don’t date fish? Where will they live? Their needs and purposes are at two completely different ends of the spectrum. This newfound relationship may be exciting because it’s, “different”, but eventually the flame will burn out and they both will suffer tremendously.

In hindsight, people try to pursue what society classifies as the, “ideal mate”. Date what attracts you; if you adore intellectual conversations, be with someone who can provide that to you; if you like athletes, take one seriously who is reciprocating the same interest; if exotic dancers spark your interest, be with one, but understand the consequences that come along with dating your type. People have the tendency to go after what they believe they are supposed to and not what they actually desire. Typically, the root of their relationship problems isn’t their mate, but the fact that the person failed to be honest with themselves from the beginning. Do yourselves a favor by sticking to your guns, acknowledging when you’re being unrealistic and entertain what naturally attracts you.

Dating, Love, Relationships, TheMBG, Uncategorized

#Relationship Goals

Ke'Anna B

We have taken the expression #relationshipgoals a tad bit too far, don’t you think? What happened to long walks on the beach, a romantic dinner, opening a car door or even sending roses? Does that still account for anything? Isn’t this closer to a relationship goal than a guy posting pictures with money stuck to his ear? Oh you’re “talking to the money” right? Well, well, well… Society has definitely played a major role in the way many of us view past twitter trending topic #relationshipgoals.

Again, I’m not saying women don’t have “real” relationship goals either but some of these things are questionable. Society makes us believe that you have to be decked out in diamonds and pearls. Smh. Lucci, Lucci, Lucci. Or the hype of going on trips to countries you cannot pronounce, to impress others. You know the saying “if you can’t spell it, you shouldn’t eat it”. Exactly. This definitely applies.

Don’t get me wrong if you have it, flaunt it. If you worked hard for it, you deserve it. The idea that money and materialistic things make up the true definition of relationship goals, is up for a debate! If that is your take on a relationship goal then more power to you but there are still some simple things in life that seem more suit. Have you ever been attracted to someone that just graduated? Not because they look good in their $300 graduation outfit but because they have a 4.0 GPA and you have the sexiest intellectual conversations with them?

What about that guy that everybody talks about at the job because his car is steady overheating? Did you know he has been in a relationship for 6 years? Did you know he kept his overheating car because he wanted to buy his “fiancee” an engagement ring? Did you know the guy who had the stack of money on Snapchat last week still lives with his mom? She doesn’t live in the best neighborhood either. Yet, he still manages to wear red bottoms and get new rental cars each week.

Honestly, these are the type of things that should play a major part in #relationshipgoals. Especially the type of person you would like to have #reltionshipgoals with. What are you all bringing or have already brought to the table that doesn’t involve money or anything materialistic?

Food for thought…..

 

Dating, Love, Relationships, Uncategorized

Are You Foolish For Staying?

Ke'Anna B

Does staying in a relationship after being cheated on make you dumb?

Today was just one of those days. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. See last night we got into the worst disagreement. It wasn’t just our typical “you’re so inconsiderate of my feelings” argument this time. We were on the verge of a break-up. Was I not doing enough? Is working a 9 to 5 with overtime not sexy? A strong black woman taking on responsibility was supposed to make me a winner. But at this very moment I did not feel that way. So I went through his phone about 5 pm yesterday. Only to find that he wasn’t at that so called “study session”. He was with Tommy. Tommy is on my “eh, haven’t figured you out yet” list. He’s far from a prince charming. I just knew he would let Tommy be the one to get him caught up. Anyway, I start going through the thread. We have screenshots of Tommy and his little sexting chronicles, pictures of dumb guy stuff and…. snap-chat screenshots.

This is when I started getting pissed off. Please tell me I’m not about to find him cheating. After scroll…and scrolling…and scrolling… I see that the conversation has been going on for some time now. At this point it is 6:15 pm. You’re wondering how I managed to find this huh? It wasn’t hard. Trust. Or at least when you pretend to trust one another. He has nothing to hide so he says. So every so often he allows me to take a peak. This time he didn’t have time to delete his messages. Yay me! I know it’s a lot but just bare with me. So I see some girl he claims is his “sister”. Eh I’m not buying it. How could I, when all I saw was explicit videos and pictures? The best part about my little investigation was her saving their messages from her end. Of course snapchat would allow you to save messages even if the other person does not care to. Smh. Snapchat has become the official dead zone. It is a trap, though I am grateful for it in this case.

So after I see the pictures I send him this extremely long message. His read receipts are on so I know he got my message. He read it at 7’oclock. At this point, I’m not feeling this late texting back. The way I feel it’s about to go down, right here, right now. I ask straight up, “what is going on?” He responds “Look…” “Nope, stop it right there.” I say. I begin to read him from A to Z. No shortcuts or holding back. I’m going full throttle on my Kill Bill vibe. Im beyond upset. All he says is “I’m sorry.” I’m sorry? Really? Do you know he had the audacity to say to me that he feels unloved. Unloved? *pause*

Okay so where were we? Right, this foolery. Am I getting left for another woman? So I start asking questions, as we do when we are upset and do not like the answer we were given. Yeah, like that. He says he doesn’t know if he wants to change his mind. Okay so I decided to leave the details on how I begged him not to leave me. Kill me with the know your worth crap because in this very instant I’m hurt. I want my man to stay. Maybe I can hear him out and figure how to fix things. Was it even fixable? So after a 4 hour conversation he decided he needed a break. Probably needed to go fill Tommy’s no good behind in. It’s not like he’s going to say anything. He likes to stay out of it when it gets too heated. Even when it is his fault, in a way.  

He texts me back insisting we should talk. So I immediately Facetimed him. I need to see facial expressions. I need to feel what direction the conversation is going in. We started with the usual small talk, discuss how bad things got and he said if I could change then we could be together. He’d let her go for me. So I said “I’ll change.” He did not hesitate to say “Good, I didn’t want to lose you anyway.” On the plus side, we have been together for 9 months since that incident. No signs of cheating. No funny business after she cut chick off. We are doing great! I’m glad I stayed, unfortunately, my friends keep saying I’m dumb for staying. There was something in me that wouldn’t allow me to leave him.. I love that man.

So the question is:

Does staying in a relationship after being cheated on make you dumb?